Our little family is doing pretty well. We've bonded nicely, I like to think, and have settled into a routine that seems to work for us for now. John is absolutely in love with Gem. When she's at her worst--has been screaming non-stop no matter what we do, won't let us put her down for a second--and I'm expecting him to say how over it he is or how he blames me (I definitely was the one who wanted to get pregnant so soon, surprise or not) and scream at Gemma or me, he'll scoop her up and rock her and kiss her and tell me how much he loves being a dad and that he can't wait to do it all over again soon. It surprises me every time and I love him so much more because of it.
And Gemma has been kind of difficult lately. The past couple of weeks, she'd been horribly fussy, crying for long periods despite being dry, fed, and held. She's also had some trouble breastfeeding. Not that she or I can't do it, we still do, exclusively. It's more that it's not easy-going while she is nursing. She would let go and start crying and refuse the breast if I tried to give it back to her, then when I finally gave up, she'd freak out for it like she was starving. She'd get full, but it would take longer than I think it should've. Plus, despite eating and eating non-stop some days, she'd act hungry very soon after stopping. She's also been spitting up more than she used to (almost never). She finally had a bad day in front of Geri yesterday and when Geri went to work, she talked to one of her friends who is a lactation expert. She said she'd be happy to meet with me if I wanted--I'm going to talk to my pediatrician first and see if she can help since she's certified in lactation anyway--and that she's pretty sure it sounds like overactive milk ejection reflex. When Geri listed off the description, it hit dead on. I'm trying block-feeding, which is nursing several times in a row on one side (I'm pumping the other a little if it gets too full and saving the milk) and then switching and doing the same on the other side. It's supposed to help with two things: First, it should train my breasts to make a more (or less, I suppose) appropriate amount of milk. Second, one of the problems is that Gemma is most likely getting mostly foremilk, so she should be able to get the hindmilk she needs with the multiple feedings per side.
Sleepwise, she's been doing well. Still on her same schedule for the most part... Down between 8 and 10 (depending on what kind of day we've had) and usually up once between 1 and 4 (and sometimes once at 6) and then she'll go back to sleep until mid-morning. She usually takes two decent sized naps during the day. She's still in the co-sleeper for now. I was contemplating trying to move her to the crib after Wednesday, since she'll hit two months, but I think I'll probably wait until three. Honestly, it's more about the fact that the nursery's still not completely done (still waiting on Billy and the armoire--there are stacks of stuff and bins right now) and less about either of us not being ready. If September 19th rolls around and he's still dragging his ass on it, whatever. I'm just going to have to go ahead and figure something out. At three months, she's going to be sleeping in her own room one way or another.
I was experiencing this awful desperate feeling the past week and a half to find a job and get back to work. Not that I wanted to. It was quite the opposite emotionally. I have zero desire to work and be apart from Gemma. I have never wanted to do anything other than stay home with my kids and raise them 100%. John's just been dealing with some work stuff and we started to get worried like we do that we are never going to get out of here, that things are never going to change or get any better. I started to get terrified that it might actually be true and I felt awful about not helping or at least pulling my own weight. I started a crazy search for jobs and actually found a few decent sounding possibilities, hours/pay-wise. In the end though, we came to a tough decision that is going to suck, but one that will allow me to stay home with Gemma and give us the push we need to start our own lives, separate from everyone else. John has looked and looked for a local or at least regional driving job with no luck. With the economy the way it is and insurance companies cracking down, you need a minimum of three years experience behind the wheel of a tractor trailer. Not exactly promising for a recent graduate. Sooo, he's going to sign up with TMC. Out of all the possibilities out there, they seem the best. He'll make great money ($45-60k starting) and they promise you home every weekend. (Actually, they say 46/52 weekends, but only because they have no control over things like weather and freak occurrences. They try for every weekend.) Other companies have you out on the road for weeks at a time, sometimes over a month, and then you only come home for a few days. This will be terrible, but we can deal with it. We have to deal with it. Then, after a couple years, he'll have the background he needs to get a great job in whatever area we decide to settle in. We're just going to have to suck it up and make the best of it for now.
In other news, I'm a little freaked out right now. I know I'm just being insane and paranoid and ridiculous, but I've been feeling kind of... pregnant the past week. Like I said, I'm sure I'm just being stupid but it's not impossible. It happens. Often. At least more often than I'd like to hear about. It's unlikely that I am, but how awful would that be? Not the baby. I'd love the baby. I'd be over the moon if I found out that I was and would never regret it. We'd find a way to handle it. But for now, as long as I'm under the impression that I'm not currently pregnant, I'd like to stay that way. Just until we're on our feet and on our own. The second we're out of here, I'd do it again. I can't wait to. It's just not the right time. We'll see, though. Hopefully, probably, I'm just sick. Maybe I caught something somewhere. I've just been feeling that nauseous-hangovery feeling and have been utterly exhausted. (And not taking care of baby exhausted. Different, and very suddenly. The kind where at 6:30, I'm totally ready for bed and can't keep my eyes open. Like I did in October and November last year.) It's just... that feeling, you know? It's crazy how once you've been pregnant once, you know exactly what it feels like. Oy.
Okay, well it's 7am and everyone's finally up and out. (Gem and I have been going since we dropped John off at 5.) Now that I don't have to worry about waking anyone up, it's time to go work out. Then it's shower and off to Geri's. Angel's been in town for a few days, but she's leaving this afternoon and it'd be nice to see her one more time.
Back soon. (Hopefully without shocking news!)
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