So summer is coming to a close. True, officially the season still has about a month to go according to the calendar, but it's getting slightly cooler some days, it's getting darker a little earlier, and all the kids (or I should say my teacher friends) are back in school. I hate this. Fall is my favorite season--my favorite time all-around--and yet I'm dreading this one. Things in our life are so unsettled right now, our attitudes are all wrong, and I do not want to associate it with one of my favorite things.
Suffice it to say, John didn't get either apprenticeship. Understandably, with the current economy, there weren't a lot of jobs to go around and this is a business where it helps to know people. And we don't. The day after he got the letter from the union he really wanted, he walked up to one of their members on his jobsite--a guy he's worked next to for about two years now. With him was a kid a little younger than John who had obviously never set foot on any construction site, let alone a massive government project. That kid was the man's new apprentice. John chatted with the guy for a little bit, asked about his apprentice. He told him how he'd applied and had really hoped for the opportunity. John said the guy sourly shook his head and said John should've gotten it, but the kid "must've had more buddies."
I can't stand it. I swore I wouldn't be bitter and hateful if it didn't happen, that I would trust in the Lord's plan, and that's what I'm trying really hard to do. At least most days, I'm handling the fear for our future pretty well. I get scared and anxious sometimes, but deep down I feel a peace that He will provide. There will be a way that we just don't see yet. The thing that I struggle with is seeing John face rejection time and time again. It tears him up that he can't provide for Gemma and I and each time he gets turned down, I can almost see a little piece of him crumble away. I know he hates himself for it and I hate THAT.
The thing that has us hopeful right now though is that this past Wednesday we went to court and John was GRANTED his PBJ! Something actually worked out right when we needed it most. Had we left that courthouse denied, who knows what would've happened. But we didn't so I'm not going to dwell on it. We went in there and deadbeat after deadbeat went up, all disheveled and unprepared, mumbling to the judge about drug charges and DUIs and back child support and then it was John's turn, dressed in a shirt and tie (not just bought for the occasion, either), standing tall and addressing the judge confidently and respectfully. The judge (who we had all through his case these past two years) went over everything and said he really thought John could benefit from the chance to start fresh and said he was going to grant the request, noting that in all his career there he could count on one hand the number of times he'd wiped someone's record clean. So now we have a fresh start. Praise God and his infinite grace.
So now we're left with quite the clean slate, actually. While John no longer has a criminal record following him around--which should open some doors, hopefully--the future we'd planned on (admittedly before we knew anything, which was our fault) isn't going to happen, so now we could take practically any path.
And right now, in both our hearts, all paths surprisingly lead to Morgantown, WV. We'd talked seriously about moving to WV a couple years ago and then changed things. We're still not totally sure; John does plan to apply to the same unions again this year, as well as many others, so should any of those work out, we'd stay. That said, John's grandma isn't doing too well. We love her and want her to be around a lot longer, but she's 87 and at the very least won't be on the outside of assisted living much longer. There's been talk that we could live in her house when she doesn't live there anymore. Originally, we'd only considered using the opportunity as long as they'd allow (Shari, Billy, and Michael would sell the house and split the money eventually), but now John and I are really warming up to the idea of buying it and making it our own. The ideal situation would be for him to go find a job there soon and start to plant some roots and then Gem and I would move into the house with him once she's gone. Then, hopefully, they'd be open to one of two options:
1. Let us live there rent free (which was what they kind of proposed anyway) for a couple of years while John logs some time in a local job and we save up money. We would, during that time, fix the house up (which we'd want to do anyway) and they'd get more for it when we left and they sold it.
2. Let us live there, paying rent, for a couple of years until John gets the time in a local job, we build up our credit, and save some more money. Then we'd buy it from them, with our previous rent being credited to us against what they wanted for it.
There are a lot of job opportunities in the area right now, much to our surprise, and if we could just get a chance to talk to all three of them and get them to give us a definitive answer, we'd start moving forward. We're too scared for John to apply for jobs there yet if there's a chance it wouldn't happen, though. We wouldn't want to have wasted our time--or even worse, have him accepted a job there and have been working--and then not have a place for Gem and I to go. Renting is not something we want to do, especially in that area, and we would never be approved for a mortgage for a few years.
So. That's where we stand right now. It's frustrating feeling so stagnant. Now that we know about the apprenticeships though, hopefully he can start applying to other avenues this week.
On a better note, before I go, I would like to update you on just how much Gemma has advanced lately! She can now say book, duck, milk, cheese, and dog. She is obsessed with reading and has favorite books. Specifically Balloons, Balloons, Balloons. She will go to her bookshelf everytime and search for it and will find it no matter where I put it. Then she won't be happy until you read it to her. Or go down for a nap or to bed until you read it to her. She's learning to navigate the stairs. She uses a fork and a spoon, a lot of the time at least. The other day I was doing something in the kitchen and she went and opened the cabinet where her snacks are, took out the box of Fruity Cheerios, pulled the bag out of the box, and sat down and started snacking. She likes to play tricks on people and games. She'll play with my hair if I tell her to make me pretty. She gives hugs and kisses on her own now. She helps me clean up her toys when I ask her. Not that well, but she tries. There are probably so many more things I can't think of right now, but that should do for now. We just can't believe how much of a kid she's becoming with each passing day. We're loving every second of it as much as it may terrify us now and then. Of course, it does nothing to help our desperate desire to have another really soon.
We had a close call a few weeks ago. We childishly disregared our vow to wait until we were sure the time was right because in our hearts it was, we just tuned out our heads, and we let our guard down at the appropriate time. I chart and know when I ovulated. I started to feel weird, the same way I felt when I was in the early stages of pregnancy with Gemma. We began to get really excited, albeit terrified of what we'd done. Unfortunately my cycles have been off since returning after giving birth. During the time I was taking Vitex, I ovulated on cd13 and had a beautiful 14 day LP. I thought I was back to normal and when the supplements ran out, I decided money was tight and I'd be okay without it. Then I slowly shifted to ovulating around cd20 and only had an 8 or 9 day LP. Not enough to sustain a pregnancy. That exact thing happened last month. We timed trying perfectly and I started to believe I was (and I really DO believe I was)... I got a faint positive on an HPT on the morning of 9dpo. Later that night, my period came. I believe I had a chemical pregnancy. We were so disappointed. We know if it were meant to be, it would've been though. We just have to learn to accept such things. (Edited to add: I got my period on August 11th and started back on the Vitex with the beginning of this cycle. Today, at cd14, I got a positive OPK. It obviously works for me. Knowing we'd have a better chance this month though is not helping. I'd just as soon not have the temptation.)
For now, with everything, it's a waiting game. We'll see what happens with jobs, with living situations, with babies. Hopefully I'll have some amazing news on one or all fronts within a month or so. We need it. But what we really need is to be still and listen.
Dear Heavenly Father,
We are trusting your infinite wisdom and truly believe you have a plan for us. We will keep striving at the things we feel you are urging us to do and will trust that you will open doors for us when you deem fit. We know that you are constantly aware of the desires of our hearts and will provide for us. We aren't as strong as we should be, however, and selfishly pray that you might show us that we're going to make it one day soon. We pray for patience, which we horribly lack. We pray for guidance and protection. We pray for the right words to say. We pray for our little family, that we might grow stronger in You throughout all these trials and not tear each other down. You are all-knowing and love us more than we could ever comprehend and we thank you and praise you for that. Thank you for what we do have.
In Jesus's sweet and Heavenly name,
AMEN
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