Back where I need to be.

I go through phases where I ... Let me rephrase that. God is always calling out to me. It is always on my heart that I NEED Him. I need the Word and fellowship, I need accountability and guidance, I need the grace of Jesus. I go through seasons, however, where I either listen or I allow life to drown it out and drive it to the back burner. And the latter times are unquestionably when things feel so much harder. Could it be that I am not capable of handling everything on my own? Could I, just maybe, need the help of a powerful and loving Creator? The past few weeks, I have felt that gaping hole in my life more and more. Though I'd heard about it here and there for a while and done nothing, this week I finally committed to take part in the She Reads Truth community. I'm hoping that the community with other like-minded women will hold me more accountable and true to my convictions and that I won't give up (or rather, as it often seems, drift off) as easily this time. I know where I place my priorities is no one's responsibility but my own, but why else did God build the church? I pray that I can get back to the person I am supposed to be and that that will sustain me and make me the wife and mother my family deserves. I want to have a strong, Christ-centered marriage and I want to raise up Jesus-lovin' children. It all starts now.

It's a boy! (Not mine, haha.)

I'm definitely due back soon to get down all the happenings with the kids, walking and talking and preschool... but I just wanted to mark the occasion and celebrate... Jenn and Sean had a beautiful baby BOY yesterday afternoon! Nolan David finally made his entrance into the world October 9th after a lot of persuading. So happy for them. Can't wait to meet the little booger.

Little Feet

Shoes. I bought shoes today. Little bitty boy shoes. The first ones. Levi has graduated to toddlerhood. He walks. He runs. But mostly, he toddles. Somehow, without me even realizing it was happening, we went from being the parents of a baby and a toddler to being the parents of a (different) toddler and a preschooler. (Yes, G started SCHOOL this week, but more on that later.) It feels so strange to me to not have a baby in the house. They were the tiniest of toes.

Crafty Atrophy

I've been feeling the itch to do something, anything creative for a while now. I've always been crafty by nature but have never had the time or space to really stretch those muscles. Now that summer is winding down and things are settling here at home, the urge is getting unbearable. Maybe it's the knowledge that fall and winter and the holiday season are right around the corner. Maybe it's the fact that we have an extra room in the house that we currently refer to as "the craft room" (despite the fact that not one thing has been made in there, it is simply where I house all my junk with high hopes that one day soon I will set up shop). Pinterest is not helping, of course. Where all these ladies find the time and money to create all these amazing things is beyond me. All I know is that things must change soon.

My perfect little MAN.

Not a baby anymore. No sir, not him. I love it and it kills me all at the same time. Watching Levi develop more and more (every day now, it seems) is so amazing. I can't believe a little less than two years ago, he was nothing more than exciting news and possibility and now he's this definitive person with attitude and preferences and kisses for me. To think I helped make him is sometimes hard to wrap my head around. But I did and he's here and he's a big boy now, right on the verge of walking and talking, and it's all just flying by. Better soak up all the baby pudge and drooly smooches while I can!

Where were you ten years ago?

It caaaame. My first shipment from Stitch Fix showed up this week. Such a great idea, as far as I'm concerned. I like to think I've always had pretty decent taste in my head but I've never actually been able to translate it to life. Not that I would have the time or money or patience to try to make that happen anyway. Nope, it's pretty much mom-standard (just this side of bum) around here these days. That doesn't mean I don't want pretty things. That's what makes it so awesome to open my front door to find a tidy little box filled with beautiful things picked out by someone who actually knows what they're doing. With the $20 fee credited toward any purchase I make, it's definitely worth the price. They even include a tag on each item with pictures of different ways to wear them.

The first time out, I received a crocheted tank, a long black deep cut shirt, a really cute orange tank, some boot tights, and some fancy pants gold earrings. It's funny how little I seem to know about my own taste. The crocheted tank and the black shirt were both something I definitely would have walked right by in a store. I liked them both a lot when I tried them on though, much to my surprise. I ended up sending the first back because it was just a little too big in the wrong places but I was sad to see it go. The black I actually kept. The orange tank was right up my alley, something that would have ended up in a dressing room with me if I saw it on my own. On, however, it just wasn't right. I'm all torso and it was just too short. The tights went back because it's summer and I don't actually have any boots right now, so it seemed like a pointless purchase. If I find myself in need of them in a few months, at least I know I like them and I can find them again. The earrings were adorable but Levi makes that impossible right now. All in all, I was very impressed and happy with my experience. Not something I can afford to do all the time--though I would love to--but I will definitely be doing it again. Happy lady off to bed.

Milk Machine

So I fully intend to come back and post the details of our trip for posterity sake (I actually have a partial draft saved on here), but a Facebook post today brought me to a realization this morning...

It's Breastfeeding Awareness Week (or something like that) and my midwife practice asked women to total all the months, cumulatively, in their lives that they've been nursing. Gemma only completely stopped nursing maybe 6 weeks before Levi was born so I barely count that break. That means that I've been pregnant, nursing, or both almost the last 38 months. I'm both kind of taken aback (I "knew" it in the back of my head but never really stopped to actually think about it) and also quite proud of my accomplishments. And since we know we want one or two more kids, spaced pretty much the same--give or take a little--I'm curious to see where the final number ends up.

Happy milking!

Even if I had ever had the time to update (which I haven't) I have definitely not had the motivation. So much has happened since I was last here that the task of writing it all down was way too daunting and it got the best of me. I've gotta do it sometime though or just let this fall by the wayside and forget things, which really isn't something I want to do despite what my actions may lead one to believe.

So we left off with a new bundle of boy. He's great. I mean, what can I say? Levi is almost 11 months old and the silliest, slobberiest, most kissable little man. All the reservations I had about having a boy were so totally unfounded. He dug himself a little hole in my heart, squeezed in there, and set up camp. He's not perfect, but he is so easy compared to Gemma at his age. He's very much like his sister in his napping (Gemma has never needed to nap, as much as I've tried) but he will go down for a good one maybe once or twice a week and I am always appreciative of the break. Bedtime is so amazing, though! I used to have to nurse Gem and rock her in a perfectly quiet room for sometimes an hour and then we'd have to watch every little thing we'd do or noise we'd make or she'd wake right back up, screaming. Levi starts to rub his eyes and yawn right at bedtime, lets me put him in his pjs, nurse him, and lay him down, and I'm DONE. I walk out, close the door, and he will wake me up in the morning with sweet babble coming over the monitor. (In Gemma's defense, she has done a complete 180 since she's been in a big girl bed. She often tells me that she's tired and says she needs to go to bed, follows her bedtime routine without complaint, and, after a story or two, kisses me, says goodnight and lets me turn off the light and leave, and we don't hear from her again until morning either.) Watching the two of them together is the most amazing part of my day. She loves him so much--she has since he was a little pokey person in my belly--and can't ever keep her hands off of him or stop trying to make him laugh. And the older that he gets, he loves her more and more too. He gets so excited around her. I can't wait until he's talking and running around with her. We live in our house now! I can't believe I can say that, but it's true. We moved in (do not ask me why) Christmas Eve night (late) after the traditional dinner at the farm. [Christmas Tangent: It was actually a great Christmas. The weeks leading up to Christmas were extra fun. Shari did her yearly Christmas Eve fish feast and Matt and Geri came to be with us again. Jeremy, Teta, and Sassy dropped by to say hi a little before dinner and ended up staying for the meal. It was crazy and fun and perfect. John and Jeremy packed up the Trooper, Geri's car, our car, and Shari's with as much junk as we could take late that night and we made the trek out here. I had the task of unloading, putting away, AND playing Santa that night. I got Gemma settled in her room, rolled up my sleeves, and worked until 5am. John promptly passed out on the couch as soon as the last thing was brought in from the cars but Geri and Shari both stayed up to keep me company. It was actually one of my favorite parts. We had Christmas morning here, our first morning ever in our very own house, with the same exact crowd as last year--plus one!--and it was great. Billy and Sigrid came for dinner and then everyone left but the four of us.] Back on track... There's still so much to do. We moved in simply because we couldn't not anymore, not because the house was ready. We made a promise to ourselves that we'd dedicate every weekend to getting things done so we weren't living in shambles for long and we kept up the pace long and hard (so much so that pretty much everyone around us was telling us to cool down and enjoy life just a little) but now that Gemma's birthday party has come and gone--it was our first time really showing the place off to anyone, our first event here ever--we're dialing it back a little. We'll jump right back at it soon, I'm sure, it's just our nature, but we're taking a small break until after our trip. Really though, it's strange how easily we settled into life here. We lived in such a screwed up situation for so long and we were starting to believe we'd never get here but once we were it just felt natural. I was kind of hoping it would be surreal and exciting and unbelievable but it just felt like life. So the other stuff. I last updated in September, so I have to cover all of it. Oh, joy. The first two months after Levi was born were relatively normal. Lots of the usual. At the end of October, everything started changing. October 24th was a Monday. I was having a regular morning with the kids when John called me from work. He never, ever called from work. He told me pretty calmly--still in shock, I suppose--that the Denton police had just called to inform him that someone had found his dad's body in his apartment that morning, that he had somehow died the night before. I ran downstairs and told Shari, feeling kind of unsure of how to handle John in the situation. He and Joey came home from work and we went out to his dad's apartment to get anything we didn't want possibly getting rifled through and stolen. We spent the week making arrangments and I did my best to support John. He was pretty torn up because he'd never really dealt with anything like that before. The timing worked out amazingly though (John says his dad did it) because John took off work that week and was able to immediately follow up on a job in the paper and got a new day job that gives him much better hours, better work to do, and better personal treatment. It's still temporary but it's a much better temporary. The circumstances also put John back in contact with his dad's family. They'd essentially been estranged for years, but John suddenly had these amazing, welcoming, generous people pop into his life. They're so nice and so genuine. I really love them. The next week Shari started chemo. The hormone treatments they'd put her on weren't working as fast as they had wanted them to so they scheduled her for six weeks (three on, one off, repeat) of a low dose round of chemo. She was home even more so because of it, although she felt fine. Never even lost her hair. She and I and the kids would go out and do stuff. She was supposed to have her last treatment the Monday before Christmas but her counts were off and they had already decided to start a more aggressive round after the new year, so they just sent her home and told her to wait until after the holidays. We moved on Christmas. John would stop by between jobs a few times during the week but Gemma, Levi, and I didn't get back to the farm again until New Year's Eve. She played with the kids and was her normal, boisterous self. She said she had been sick with some stomach issues the week between the holidays but was feeling better. The next Thursday, she went into the hospital not feeling well and needed another transfusion. (They were happening more frequently, it seemed.) She left the same day in good spirits and seemed fine. Sunday night, she landed herself back in AAMC, just not feeling well. John hated himself but he couldn't take off work at the drop of a hat. She said she was fine, Joey said she was fine. Monday, everything was cool. Tuesday morning, John asked his boss if he could have a half day Wednesday because he really needed to go see his mother. Immediately after sorting that out, Joey called to say that the doctors called him and said she was getting worse and was being moved to ICU. He told John that he was going back to the hospital (he'd stayed till 4am and only left to meet some workers that were going to their dad's property that morning), for John to sit tight (John was already on his way to Frederick in the work truck) and not to make any decisions about work until he got there and could assess the sitation. No sooner did John relay this message to me, Joey called to say that the doctors were now just going to keep her alive until John could get there to say goodbye. I almost couldn't believe what he was telling me, it was so surreal and unexpected. John turned around and, faster that I can really fathom, got to the hospital, literally ran the halls to find her, and was there just in time to send her off with Joey. He called me and held the phone up to her ear for me to say goodbye and for Gemma to talk to her a final time. I was in such shock that I didn't say anything real. I regret that now. Gemma talked about her princess lipstick and how she found the Ariel one. I don't know how much she could comprehend at that point, but John said that Gemma's voice was the last thing she heard, that she died seconds after he took the phone away. I think that was probably exactly how she would have wanted to go, honestly... with her boys holding her hands and Gemma's voice still in her ears. Then I met my husband at the farm and tried my best to comfort him on the loss of a parent for the second time in less than 3 months. How do you do that? I definitely think I failed. Everything for Shari was a lot more complicated. We had to factor in a lot of out-of-towners, we had to deal with Navy a lot, we had to take care of all her personal business, and we had to plan and pay for a big funeral. John's dad's family already had a plan in place, pre-paid, so his had been relatively easy. Shari's wasn't. John's dad's family actually stepped in and were a HUGE help... they offered up one of their family plots for Shari to be buried in, they helped with food, funeral arrangements. Geri helped with the kids a lot and lent us a LOT of money while we were waiting for the life insurance to be disbursed. It was just so crazy. There are still times I can't wrap my head around everything. Life has changed so drastically in the past few months that even now, after things are settling back down to "normal", we still don't feel at peace. We still feel on edge like something else must be waiting. And it's so hard because some of the stuff has been so bad, but some of it has been so good (Levi, the house). Sometimes we feel guilty for being happy about things, others we feel like wallowing in the sadness is wasteful and we're missing out on these big moments we won't get again. We're finally able to have this life we always wanted and now don't have the people to share it with. There was some quiet resentment at Shari for a little bit, because we found out later that despite what she told us--that the doctors were optimistic and all was well--the cancer had spread pretty much everywhere but her brain and lungs. There was no chance and, looking back, it explains a lot. There are so many moments that we pulled up but the biggest for me was Christmas night. After we'd had a whirlwind two days (I'm surprised she had the stamina for all the festivities, honestly) and Billy and Sigrid had left and she and Joey were about to go and leave us here to be our own family in our own place for the first time, she told me what a good job I'd done and that this would be our new tradition: Christmas Eve at the farm and Christmas dinner at our house. (For her to pass that torch is not a small accomplishment! That woman lived to entertain and I don't mean that superficially. Nothing made her happier than putting on a good meal or party for the friends and family she loved and to think she trusted me with Christmas... that's a feat.) Then she took my face in her hands and said, "I love you" and hugged me. That might not seem that strange but she and I were never touchy feely. Earlier that week, she sat right next to me on the couch and shared a blanket with me while we watched Ellen after the kids and I helped her decorate the tree and I remember telling John how bizarre it was. There was one other thing that killed me. It still really bothers me now. Shari was... She was drama. She was little, she was loud, she was italian. Maybe it's because I lived with her, maybe it's because she never had a daughter and suddenly there I was all the time, maybe it's just because I was always willing to listen to whatever the drama was at the moment, I don't know... but she liked to talk some serious shit on people. There's no other way to put that. Sorry. She had best friends who were honestly like sisters to her, she had her brothers, her mother, Misty, Lois, John and Joey, and she loved them all hard but no one was safe. There was always something to say and she'd say it to me. So naturally knowing this--that there wasn't one single person who she didn't have something to snark about--and having heard all the things in her head and having spent four and a half years with all of us living in such close quarters with constant tension and fighting and issues, I could only imagine the things she'd said about me to her closest confidants. I used to worry about it all the time actually, whenever we were in the throes of some sort of stand-off. Then at the viewing, Ms. Peggy (and if she was going to say anything, she'd definitely say it to Peggy) and I ended up in some lighthearted conversation about just this attribute of Shari's and Peggy said She never said one bad thing about you, Megs. Not one. I was floored. Sharlea, Shari's very best friend since childhood, told me the same thing. As did Misty. I think I was the only person ever that applied to. As I think back on all this now, and on all our time together, I think I may have been her best friend. It makes me so angry now because there was always stupid crap in the way... us living here, all of us interacting the way adults are supposed to, this was supposed to be when it got really fun. She was supposed to be over all the time, just hanging out with me and the kids. We have an extra room on the addition side of the house (current storage room, future craft/guest room) that she used to call "her room" long before we ever even lived here. She said that she was going to retire and move in with us and live in that room. At the time, John and I would talk about how that could never happen, that we'd already lived together and knew that it did not work at all and we would never try it again... now all I want is that. I want her to drive me crazy. Gemma still remembers her well, though. John's dad, too. We made sure we talked about them constantly in the beginning and would remind her of things they did. Now she understands that they're in Heaven with Jesus but she will tell you the stories of things they did together and often tells us that she misses them and loves them. We want to make sure it's always like that. Perhaps I'll use that to segue into happier things. And what's happier than babies? First, my own. They are both growing and changing every second. It's crazy how fast things are happening around here. Miss Gemma Rae just celebrated her THIRD birthday a couple weeks ago. Her actual birthday was on a Tuesday, so we just kinda hung out and had a normal day and then when John got off work, we met him and Geri and went bowling. Duckpins and bumpers... it was her first REAL time, John just threw a random idea out there and we rolled with it, but she loooooved it. She asks to go all the time now and I think (hope) we'll starting doing stuff like that a lot more. The following Saturday was her birthday party. Once again, so many people we hoped would come didn't but, again, it turned out to be perfect. Now she's a big three year old girl and acts like a little grown up. With the exception of a crying fit she'll throw when she's really exhausted, I see no baby in her at all anymore. And I really could not tell you when that happened. We signed her up for preschool for the fall and the place we chose (a little church school which is exactly what I wanted for her) does a summer camp 6 weeks in the summer that is on the same schedule she'll be on during the school year (T/W/Th, 9-12) with most of the same teachers, so it will kind of help ease her into the routine. She loves it so far. Levi and I have been enjoying our one-on-one time, although the drive is a bit much there and back twice in a day. (Easton's about 30 minutes from us, not counting hitting all the lights downtown.) Her day is just long enough that it's hard to find somewhere to kill 3 hours 3 days in a row, but not long enough to really do much other than drive home, kill an hour, and drive back. But she likes it and that's all that matters right now. We'll see how I feel six months in. Levi. My little buddy. He is becoming so funny. I wasn't sure who he was going to be for the longest time. He's really growing into his little personality right now. He's very much a little brother... he loves his sister hard, has learned to both share and stick up for himself already, and plays the baby-of-the-family part perfectly. It doesn't matter what's going on, how ugly a day may be, he'll tuck his head down and peek at you and smile big with his four teeth and you can't stay in a bad mood. It's impossible. He zooms around on all fours and has just recently--within the past week--really wrapped his head around the idea that he can cruise around on two feet. Geri got him a push toy (the only one we had was pink, so no go) and he figured out how to walk behind it and will go from one side of the family room and back, over and over, just grinning and laughing. A few words pop out from time to time, but nothing consitent yet. We know he can say dada and mama. I've heard him say bye-bye, baby, big boy, and I have video (I do!) of him playing and saying "Peek-a-boo!" Cutest thing ever. We'll be celebrating his big number ONE next month. Blows me away. It went by so fast. I don't know what happened to having a baby and a toddler. All of a sudden, I just have two kids. I feel like life is going by so quickly now, that before I know it, it will all be over. John says I fixate on death and the end of life way too much but I can't help it. It scares me so bad. Happy things, happy things... Babies! Speaking of babies, it seems like everyone decided to have on this year. Not even mentioning more distant friends and aquaintances that are pregnant or have given birth already this year, right now Angie, Jenn, and Juli are ALL pregnant! It's so nuts. It sucks though... it made me realize that when we're ready to get pregnant again either this fall or next fall (don't even get me started talking about that decision), there really won't be anyone to be pregnant with me. I always hoped I'd get to do it with someone, that seems like so much more fun. Oh well. Vacation! Yes, vacation. I can't even believe I'm saying that. The only vacation John and I have ever taken alone together was our honeymoon. We've NEVER taken one with the kids. Suffice it to say, we're long overdue. Well over a year ago, Marianna got it in her head that she wanted to take all of us, plus Kris and Kelvin and the boys on a Disney cruise. Well, damned if she didn't book us on one. And not just any, she waited to make reservations on the newest ship. We've been planning this for what feels like forever and now, in ten days, we will be spending a week in the Caribbean. Nope, still can't believe it. Well, now that this post is impossibly long and it's really, really, really late, I'm going to cut it off. I hope to be back soon, but I don't want to make any promises to myself that I may not be able to keep. Whenever, I suppose.